if i die, you can have my worn out liver and american apparel deep v's.sell the liver to a chinese restaurant
if you think for one second that i'm not using my mittens as hand puppets at the bar tonight then u dont know me at all!
you came downstairs saying you were now 'dressed to impress'
what was i wearing?
nothing
She can't really be mad at me. I made you two sisters... Dick sisters.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I found bruises on my neck from barfing out the window.
I met her dad while holding 4 empty beer bottles at the opera house. I think I made a hell of an impression.
Pretty sure I scared him off for good. The lesbian in me is ecstatic.
BRILLIANT IDEA: In honor of summer olympics we need to start a synchronized drinking team.
Get your ass over here, we're drinking Patron and watching My Little Pony. Patron and Ponies, do you copy?!
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You should kill a bro for me and drag his carcass home so I can study him.
I woke up with jello shots in pant pockets so I must've had fun
Of two things I'm absolutely sure: 1. I only took 2 hits off that joint and 2. I definitely ran over hedwig on the way home
How was your night?
Fell down a flight of stairs. Went to a sex dungeon. Was approached by a man in a leather harness.
Etiquette question... How do you tell your mother that her nipple is out in her fb profile picture?
My brother is coming home and he is bringing a whole bunch of friends with him. I am making him a cake. What should i put on it?
"Open for business" or "I have condoms" would probably work
Randomize