Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
you should be back in the room by now but just so you know. you passed out at the black jack table and they wheel chaired you out. strip club in about 45 minutes. game face bro.
So I woke up in a strange bed with a note taped to my arm giving me directions back to my brothers apartment.
Dont worry about getting me anything... Just put a bow on your ass.
Deal.
That's the point dumbass, I can't use my boss as a reference cause they'd have to fucking call him in prison.
dude you literally had like 30 screwdrivers, i thought you were gonna die
that explains why my vomit smells like it came from florida
I feel like my map app knows I'm hungover and is strategically not driving me by fast food places so I cannot stop
The holidays are too long. I always run out of adderall before I run out of family. you got any left?
Well I just finished dry heaving so I think breakfast is a little further out for me
Agree to hang out with him and then take a gigantic shit right on him. Or if youve forgiven him for being a fucker maybe make out with him.
The only joy I have here is being able to shit with the door open.
He better be a good lay, these underwear cost $50.
What the hell did you do last night?
I embarrassed myself, my family, name, and possibly my country.
Explain to me again why I'm doing the walk of shame if we fucked at my house?
I’d feel the same about religion. We can talk about it, but I want you to go down on me first
Randomize
