i was just outside smoking and i saw a hooker sing "i wish i knew who your daddy was" to her new born baby. someone explain to me why i ever left chicago to go to college...
Think I'm gonna go cougar hunting tonight... Any advice?
condoms and good judgment
Can I buy both of those at the same store?
i just renamed my vag "the sorting hat"
Nick had a break down & said to me "Everybody's mad at me, I'm the douchebag, Im the fucking douchebag that everyone hates, Do you wanna come home with this douchebag?!"
You're going home with him aren't you?
I'll see ya in the morning when I leave his house
So she is eating her margarita with tortilla chips....like using her chip as a spoon
I just spent all my babysitting money on red cups and beer.
People still let you watch their kids?
do you think you could subtly ask him about the dimensions of his penis?
You had a towel around you and you called it your shot bib.
Be here at 9 and look fabulous. We have drag queens to impress.
So dude comes out in a full body leotard and a wand and announced he's king of the gays. Chicago is a weird but fun place
Lost feeling in my face, my shoe and had a nose bleed. That's not wings. Fuck red bull.
My boyfriend's brother just got out of jail and he is already telling us to steal cable. Dude.
I chatted up the pastor's son on Grindr during the service. Still ridiculing my decision to go to church this morning?
A log hopped out of the fireplace and caught the carpet on fire. Good summary of this election if you ask me.
Yep. Just fucked a 34 year old on the football field where we both went to high school. That's a story for the grandkids.
Randomize
