last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
Don't worry about it. I've taken so much Plan B, my uterus is purely for show now.
Just filled the brita up in the bathtub because we couldn't get it into the sink.
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I don't think anybody else enjoys making out with multiple guys on the same night as much as I do. I'm like a wine taster but with lips... it's like art to me. The bruise on my upper lip is proof of it
I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL?
I think I'm leaving the streamers and balloons up from 4th of july till after he stops by. It'll be like the universe is celebrating his massive dick.
I'm shaved like a Brazilian hooker right now.
I have the flu.
I don't give a shit
Should I get the rainbow boxer breifs???
As your boyfriend, this is a level of gay that even I can't handle.
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You introduced yourself and she said "wow that's a long name" and you went "yeah well you should see my dick."
Carver called his mom a milf again
Was it on purpose this time?
I can't believe I watched you put a tampon in in the parking garage
I just got a rock from a customer. Weirdest. Tip. Ever.
The next morning I found her spread eagle asleep on the living room floor and he was asleep with his head in her crotch. I needed a ride and had to wake them up.
I'm not drunk or hungover and I don't have to work. My body is sooo confused!
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