Tipsy and thinking of you. Talk tomorrow. My alliteration is awesome.
I SWALLOWED her nuva ring. Please tell me how your night could have been worse.
sorry can't make it tonight, greg's getting back from italy. he's had two weeks of carbs and no gym; now's my chance to get myself a piece of that newly-fat, low self-esteemed ass.
No matter what I do you still love me. It's like loving a retarded kid. A retarded kid that keeps trying to sleep with you.
Dude, you passed out sitting straight up AND in mid sentence last night
theres a new barista at starbuck holy fuck she's hot
i want to face-plant into her vagina
Aaaaand now he just flexed his muscles at me and said "I'm a fucking eagle!"
She looks like a beluga.
I want to splash her with water and when she screams say "I didn't want you to die. You looked parched"
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
Is it bad that I recognize every dick in your dic pic collection?
This morning I woke up in the entrance of a retirement home. Memory fragments from last night: making it rain with the contents of my wallet over the bridge, getting hit by a car, and a lot of running.
I'm gonna snort this pill I found on the ground cause that's how classy I am. Watch football and eat Beef jerky. Domesticated at its finest.
You are attracted to power and since you can't date the married old guy you have to go for the next best thing - his gay son
As long as there is beach, drink, dick, in that order. I’m in.
I woke up and there is a small Irish man playing call of duty in my room. Discuss.
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