i just woke up to that girl in my doorway. I kid you not. Tan and lime green thong on. peeing on the carpet in the hallway. Then she collapsed. There is a load of towels in the wash. Just thought you should know when you wake up. Gross.
if i wake up one more time on my porch im gonna start considering myself homeless
You brought back some girl with you at 3am and introduced her to everyone as "hot pocket"
Keep in mind that he's 43, unemployed and living with his parents. There's really not much we could do to make his life worse.
He started to notice that i sleep with every girl he calls dibs on.
So here i am dipping ice cream in my vodka and watching the bad girls club on demand. This is not ok
Im just a social blackout drinker.
This morning I learned I traded my sunglasses for a Big Lebowski sticker at the football game.
The neighbors outside are screaming at one another about God knows what and everyone is too scared to go outside and we NEEd more beer
Pretty sure i brought my phone charger to a booty call
she had a dildo shaped like a dolphin. she will forever be known as Flipper
Had a dream I went to Disney to visit you and then I got really drunk and puked all over these little kids in line
I came over to get dick...not to watch you vacuum....at 2 AM
After all this I still can't spell gonorrhoea without autocorrect
I got some blow and a hand job from one of the strippers. So I guess I'm getting over the divorce.
Randomize
