I just came up with the perfect plan. Once i'm a dentist i'm going to offer dad a million dollars to divorce mom.
mom just found 19 empty wine bottles in my closet. i hate spring cleaning
Woke up and went out for a cigarette and it was dead quiet. It was like the world just knew how many mistakes were made last night.
We've had the 'life would be so much better if we were both lesbians' conversation too much for that to be okay.
all i could think was her face looked like a farm accident
you just kept bragging about how there was a "pretty large" chance that you had pooped on the same toilet as George Clooney
Someone took a picture of their balls on my phone last night. BEAUTIFUL PACKAGE. I will find this man.
Just did a keg stand the dropped my phone in the toilet. Sorry for partying.
You did a keg stand on the toilet?!
I think I reached some stage of aging, have a sore/injured shoulder from sex, next up carpal tunnel from sexting.
arnt you supposed to become a mature adult when you move out of your parents house?
Moving out doesnt mean I'm mature, it means I can make pancakes and bacon at 3 in the morning and no one can judge me.
Also, I want you to know, that not only am I apparently the expert on sexting. Our bishop is consulting me later. So my talents are varied.
Red flag bro. Her only friends are barflys and a teen with a fake ID
Why do pants feel so unnatural once you enter your own house
like honestly, the vodka had to go somewhere, and your moms soap dispenser just seemed right at the time..
We’ve got a propane heater on our back porch if you want to come over and eat a McRib in peace
Randomize
