remind me next year to leave the 19 year old girl at home when you're going to pride. total cock block
Don't know whats worst me sharding on her a bit or her believing me when i told her she did it...
Just because we had intercourse doesn't mean we're friends.
so I called to to smoke and you didn't pick up so I smoked and now I'm a race car
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
My mom just told me to drench my entire body in vodka for 20 minutes. I have never been this russian. no one has ever been this russian
I'm in the grocery store cradling a box of wine like it's my firstborn, so of course this would be the first and only time I've ever seen my boss outside of the office.
at john mayer concert. alone. to many highschool kids. i feel like a drunk chaperone with a pomegranite martini mustache
it's like a replay of two fridays ago...except not in a motel and i'm not having sex in the shower.
3pm strippers are depressing
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Meet at Walmart straight from work to buy items for hurricane fun. Then blast some wine, make some sex, blast a bowl and cuddle each other till the sun comes up?
That's the most romantic New Orleans hurrication I've ever heard of. Can I have your babies?
Ugh why can't people just be grateful for my penis
This is not a drill. I need a cape. And a tuxedo. Simultaneously. Repeat. NOT. A. DRILL....
I woke up in my neighbors backyard with glitter on my teeth and sparklers super glued on my bra. which part was your fault?
Seriously though, I walked in and he was holding my cat in the air singing "the circle of life"...
I just hit 3 trees and a golf cart.. all on the same hole
Put me down for a bogey
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