she said her black crocs were her 'dress up crocs'
It snowed today. The whore-inducing weather is official over.
Dude, I had to masturbate just to stay warm. Please pay the gas bill?
He was standing in the front door with a kareoke machine yelling at the neighbors as the unloaded their van
The last thing I remember is ordering two Martinis while yelling 'CAN YOU PUT THAT IN ONE GLASS?'
She took the bride and groom figures and the top layer of their cake and tried to walk out of the reception with it in her purse.
Wanna tell me why vodka seeped out of the memory foam when I climbed into my bed?
We're having soft pretzels and cheese dip for dinner tonight. Like fucking adults.
Actually let's just focus our energy on not getting committed to a psych ward.
I'm not gonna lie, my internet creeping skills scare me. I'm like Liam Neeson in Taken
He sent me a selfie with his cat. He has found a way to my heart. And pants.
I feel like a bottle of fireball rented a bull dozer and ran me over until I was left without a shred of my dignity
Working nightshift means its never too early to start drinking- and you can quote me on that
A guy in a chewbacca suit just came up to me and asked me to buy him weed.
The streets are paved with hand jobs
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