If you text me again I will gut all of your stuffed animals.
I'm trying real hard to keep it on the DL how drunk I am at lunch with my grandma.
He was like an evil genius with the clitoris. I don't stand a chance.
I should have taken pre-gaming this lunch date more seriously.
Why is there an appointment in my calandar called "get the fuck to the bus" at 3 am june 19th?
Just made macaroni burritos. Fukkin awesome. We'll have to try this when I'm sober.,!
I had to have my mom pick me up from the party and the windows lock was on so when I went to projectile vomit out the window it wouldn't roll down and it splashed back at my face.
I'm not liking this ratio of moving to blowjobs...
We established that I was in 5th grade when she was in her final year of grad school. Her daughter is also in 5th grade.
Selling our snow shovel to buy more beer. Not your brightest idea.
Come to Des Moines on Saturday, handcuff yourself to me and drink a bottle of vodka
Do one night stands count towards my number?
Yes. A penis is a penis
Even bad ones?
YES.
There is nothing wrong with watching parks and rec all day then getting blackout drunk by night
I just forgot I was standing up.
I'm sober now, I ate a whole cantaloupe.
Randomize
