This is why I'm not putting my name in lights over your bed.
Don't put random dicks in your mouth or any other crevice for that matter... and i'm home in 30 seconds
Wish I got that text last night instead of this morning.
Chipotle...archenemy of the gay man. Cockblocking me since 1997
I tried to cut him off and he said "I was the president of a fraternity for 3 years, I could outdrink God."
We ran out of ice cubes so I used ice cream. Everyone thought that was the plan all along. I just went with it.
this lesbian fantasy crush is getting WAY out of hand. just spent an entire meeting staring at her long fingers thinking, "oh those could be fun"
The best part of tonight is drunk commenting on my moms pic about how birds just want to give you diseases and pluck out your eyes
Just watched a guy get through airport security with a full bottle of captain morgan. In my head the entire airport cheered.
So far today I've found 3.5 million dollars in savings. Pretty sure management is gonna start buying me hookers if getting laid has this much payoff
Although a guy bought me a shot of fireball last wknd and I told him he wouldn't even get half a handjob for that and walked away so don't tell me I don't have standards
Incase you were wondering. Cooking naked turns into sex. Sex and cooking may lead to house fire....
Can I just say how funny it is that your "respect" tattoo is right above the bruise from me slapping your ass
Bumble is fuckin insane here. I'm going to break a hip.
I feel like sleeping with foreign people is a long term investment. It's like a time share. Now when I go to London I have a place to stay.
I just peed on myself the semester has officially began.
Randomize
