after we finished he farted and said 'i've been holding that one in'
There is only so much cookie dough and masturbating I can handle in one night.
He ran headfirst into the atm. Thenasmed us what our spirit animals were...he said his was either a dolphin or a cabbage
I need to get skinnier so that I know when pregnancy scares are real...
Omg just remembered. I tried to kidnap a dog.
I'm getting kicked out of the place we're at. They don't like ketchup on their walls..
telling her she was ovary-acting wasn't the greatest idea. doing it in a text so she could see your spelling was where you really went wrong, though.
I felt like in order for him to make it to mordor and destroy the ring, he'd have to make sweet sweet love to me in some form of hut or cave.
My mom is wine drunk and on painkillers. As invigorating as that conversation was, it was also a dark glimpse into my future
After that song played in the club all he kept drunkenly saying was "Birdman goes brrrrrr"
I wish the guy I was sleeping with wasn't on house arrest.
Captain and coke. And it's not drinking alone cuz i have a dog
Mmm. Champagne. Weed. 17 pounds of animal crackers.
I wonder if Paul and Andy realize how lucky that they are that we're too lazy to start fucking other dudes so we just stick with them
I woke up this morning and my house is covered in shredded cheese with my laptop open and a google image search for "awesome shit".
Randomize
