Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
you left him a drunk voicemail of you singing speechless by lady gaga balling your eyes out
Is it bad when your hot neighbor is crying on her porch, and your 2nd thought is "maybe her boyfriend cheated on her and she'll want to fuck me for revenge sex?"
Perfectly normal.
I keep having to talk dad out of putting tequila in the milkshakes.
I'm laying here in fetal position. I feel like a traffic cone
Ways to ruin a one night stand: the guy finds your parenting magazine on your dorm room desk.
things I never thought I would say vol. 24 "Bagpipes just remind me that my relationship is over"
I totally almost forgot you fucked that guy. St. Patty's bar crawls always have a drawback.
my dry spell has ended & now it's like a tsunami of dick i can't handle it
I haven't been dieting for my entire life to date some guy who thinks his dad bod is a riot.
I'll probably just end up banging you in your parents marital bed,in their honor of course.
Its only once in a life time you get to pick your vcard swiper up from jail
A dozen fresh-baked cookies delivered to my dorm AND I don't have chlamydia or gonorrhea... Could this night get any better??
Dude, I just turned down sexual favours because I need to study... What the fuck is wrong with me?
Got upgraded to First Class and now I’ve got the whole Pacific Ocean to seduce the very hot gentleman sitting next to me!!! Door closing, wish me luck!
It's like Guy Diamond blew glitter into my vagina.
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