Sometimes, dog treats look like people treats.
you never know when you'll meet the man of your dreams and bang him in an elevator
I haven't been "cry when you eat ben and jerrys" high in a while.
conquered wheelchair sex. it's rather convenient. you'd think it was made for it, with all those handles and adjustable features.
It smells like ranch
Must be all the white people
You asked me to be the big spoon, when you passed out on the stairs
I'm sorry I kept calling last night when you wouldn't pick up. I'm REALLY sorry I sang "You Oughta Know" on more than 4 voice mails.
im honestly more upset that i fucked a buckeyes fan than about cheating on my boyfriend...
My birthday was already very memorable but her punching me in the face put it over the top. I love being 25 and still not giving a fuck.
Just for the record its a bit awkward when you introduced me to your friends at your house as your brother and then insisted in front of them that I sleep in your bed with you
As I fucked him you stood outside my door screaming, "I'M NOT JUDGING YOU!" over and over.
I was judging you.
its the kind of night you break several limbs and say you were lucky
Did I just hear you ask Siri about the meaning of life?
2014 decided to stick it to me one last time. Right up the ass.
I don't need to marry the guy. I just need some filthy, shameful wish fulfillment sex and then live out the rest of my life on the bean farm.
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