What kind of poor, pathetic town do we live in where a horny teenage girl is sitting in her basement on a saturday night, unlaid?
She either was great at sex or I finished the whole bottle of svedka my self
Her boyfriend was wrestling another girl. But, she said she was okay with it because she kept checking for boners--w the back of her hand like she was checking for a fever
Looks like a significant portion of my drinking money just became legal fees.
We listened to Rod Stewart Pandora and slow danced in the shower.
This is breast cancer awareness month... The least we can do is give a stripper some singles.
My roommates just built a mini golf course upstairs while I was sleeping.
I woke up with a meat pie in my hand and my mouth tasting like an ashtray. I'm a catch, really!
…wtf were in those pills mom gave me
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
How do you get the "hangs out with drunk assholes" insurance
It's not "nice." It's the supermodel of dicks.
I just found a ladybug shell in my underwear. What was I doing last night?
Regardless I WANT TO BE YOUR SEX DISPENSARY. that is like the career I was born for.
I need mimosas to revive my soul
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