Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
just stared at ed norton's ass for 26 miles. if there was ever an incentive to run a marathon, that was it. my life is perfect.
I just had teddy grams, ritz crackers, and twizzlers for dinner. Hello, end of the semester.
Literally 6000 elephants in my backyard.
He would stand there for a few seconds with a blank look on his face then randomly start running full sprint towards macdonalds. We'd catch him and he'd promise to stop so we'd let him go and he'd do it again.
It's not my theme song, it's my blowjob song. There's a difference.
Rachel and his cat watched us 69 last night. I pretended to be embarrassed the next day... But to be honest I like an audience
You don't take my phone while I'm passed out, have a three hour conversation on it with Dealer Dave, set up a date with him and NOT TELL HIM THAT HE'S NOT TALKING TO ME.
The last thing I remember is your grandma calling me a pussy and taking my shot for me. Your family is awesome.
Things bear mace does not do: repel bears. Things bear mace does do: piss off bears, give bystanders asthma attacks. Lesson learned
Someone came into our hotel room and took our remote
What should I do?
I ask him how he's going, like life and stuff, and he responds "20-0 pats"
so i was about to call you for your birthday but then i started making out with this guy... and i feel bad but i felt like you'd understand
FYI bail money is still in my drawer. I know you have no car but you need to know this for tomorrow.
I often wonder if we’re introverted extroverts, but I don’t think so. I think we’re just easily tired scumbags
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