don't worry. When rigor sets in, we'll make sure to get you laid one last time.
I just got a bj @ my old preschool...my childhood memories r all ruined
Were making a bet for which twin will relapse while in rehab. I'm going for the chubbier one
I just headbutted my cat because he was trying to eat my bacon.
for future reference mormans are hard to crack but they give fucking amazing hand jobs.
New definition for "rock bottom": Waking up in a puddle of your own puke, missing your fake tooth. Then having to dig through said puddle of puke for aforementioned fake tooth. Think it's time I quit partying so hard.
Is this your way of breaking up with me as my wingman?
I cant believe im wasting my plan b experience on this guy. I should have saved it for someone special.
drinking from the bathtub cause I'm too lazy to walk downstairs and too thirsty to care
You should make a checklist to ensure they are quality material. Here's mine: wearing shoes, not drunk, very hot, has teeth, speaks english. You never know
Got into Princeton. So excited about the mommy-issue-over-achieving-cock I get to ride the next 4 years!!!
Well you were already wet from trying to drink straight from the faucet, so I just put you in the bathtub with a pillow and called it a night
We had sex in his hot tub. Then we saved a mouse that almost drown in his pool. We celebrated our heroism with more sex.
This town is a penis wasteland. I haven't seen a suitable penis in months. This is becoming an emergency situation. I need penis in my life
i feel as though me waking up and asking her if i went to the hospital was a sign that i was not okay
His dog hid my thong. Let me tell you, the last thing you want during a commando mini skirt walk of shame is lots of wind. There’s a church congregation that knows all my business
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