I boned her and wore a Freddy mask once. It was pretty lol
It was like if Side-show Bob had a vagina for a mouth
you'd be confused too if you woke up to pictures of a ghostbuster doing body shots off you.
I just caught Brandon licking the fake chocolate on a smores ornament
Went to get my tattoo today. Found out the piercing girl is bi. I may just get my nipples done to get hit on tomorrow. Confidence is low these days.
Just filled the brita up in the bathtub because we couldn't get it into the sink.
Im just a social blackout drinker.
yeah that's what i said...you fucked him and peed on his comforter
yeah well...Like any great yacht, I leave a wake
I mean he gave me an 'I owe you an orgasm' fist bump
You know what id love more than anything right now? ..a back rub while eating biscuits and gravy
did you just try to prove your straightness by quoting a lady gaga song?
She was here for a threesome... She doesn't have to put the new roll of toilet paper on the dispenser. She can leave the new roll wherever she wants!
Officially hit an ultimate low today. I was so hung-over I threw up on the ground in front of the jousting display in the London tower. But on a positive note, Brits are very understanding when you vomit on their history.
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
He has to be employed and covid free. That’s my standard. I can’t be picky. 2020 has killed my sex life.
Randomize
