Oww! U thought rug burn was bad! Fuckin carseat burn hurts like a mother!!!
Wtf?
Use the slutty part of ur brain.
please tell me i can get drunk off sparkling grape juice. even if you have to lie, please say yes.
I can't tell if your life is amazing or needs reevaluation when "did I get hit with a nightstick" is a legitimate question.
He hit on a bridal shower w/ his hand on my tit the entire time. Gave his number to the mom.
I vagually remember taking your birthcontrol and washing it down with ash water
Yeah, sam & jessica were trying to have sex and you walked in & started coaching them through it with a fake hulk hogan mustache on.
oh my god. separately texting an Allie and an Ally while drunk is hard, and I'm climbed 1/2 way up a bridge pier.
Pot head idea of the day: make a maraca out of weed seeds. Or a rain stick? Definitely rain stick.
Listen to my proposal.... I feed you crackers while I fuck you ever so gently.
It summer and it's getting a lot harder to hide sex bruises from my parents.
First world problems?
Drunkenly tried to auction off Merik's pancakes at Ihop. Apparently I make a great auctioneer. Also, no one wants 30 cent pancakes.
I know, dude. If he ends up having a tiny dick, I will literally pack it back into his pants and leave. Not worth the aggravation.
Everytime I give him head I make him rub my back. Teamwork at it's finest.
u would mumble something and then get unnecessarily loud and say random shit like 'id fuck the shit out of taylor hanson right now'
If a weird guy texts you in the near future asking if you are satan just go with it
Randomize
