my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
My Blind Date Arrived. She looks like something I'd draw with my left hand.
i woke up with a shirt on. the kids in my daycare group had a lot of questions when i took off my shirt at the pool to reveal "property of brittany" written on my chest and an arrow pointing to my dick.
Can we comment on the fact that at five thirty this morning, security woke me up in the hotel lobby, in my underwear, and some random guys winter coat?
I had to do a class evaluation today & the girl beside me didn't fill in any bubbles she just wrote in huge letters RETIRE across the whole sheet
Their car went through the first bag of wine on the drive up...clearly 6 bags was not enough.
He's only going to be gone for two weeks
That's two months in gay whore years.
You tried tipping the cashier at Cook Out by shoving a dollar bill down his shirt and yelling "Magic Mike"
As I'm trying to leave her house she shushes me and puts my hand on her boob, then goes back to sleep. In like 30seconds. What the fuck.
Seriously, she had fingers that made me thank a god I don't even believe in that I'm gay.
Yep. My memoirs will be called "A Slore Worth Mentioning"
look on the scale of 1 to the time you hit an old lady with your car chlamydia barely even rates
I shaved my entire vagina for a man who had the personality of a potato and a C- orgasm. Life is a series of disappointments.
Its almost 1 am and u wanna get together and cry naked
I sent him home with blood on his fingers and shame in his heart.
Randomize
