Just spent 45mins blow drying a joint i dropped in a beer....i felt like i dropped his infant child....
I just saw that cheerleader from u of arkansas that I hooked up with over spring break on espn. My parents would be so proud.
I guess I realized I had a problem when I ordered 4 shots and told the bar wench to pour them all into 1 glass
PLEASE DON'T BE HEARTLESS COME AND GET ME FROM THE BAR I'M HIGH AS SHIT AND I LOST MY SHOES
Well when I got home you were sitting at the table eating cold, leftover taco meat. I'd say you were pretty far gone by that time.
When cunnilingus is one of the first 25 words you say to someone there's a problem
#reasonsyoushouldnthaveatinder
There's no discreet way to sneak a cucumber into the shower lol
This pedicure right now is the most physical I've been with a guy all month
He just texted me asking for his shirt back and I said I didn't have it and then I ran into him 5 minutes later while wearing the said shirt
It's your birthday, you should get to jizz where you want to. Jizz when you want tooo
All because of that GODDAMNED MIKE PENCE.
I’m going to cut back. New Year, New Me
I would never wish less dick on anyone but do what you gotta do
For the love of god, if any of you are up, bring me pants.
Also I know now I was meant to be a comedian. Had both arresting officers laughing.
the next morning his mother came in to tell me that she made breakfast. she told me to put my clothes on too. awkward.
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