wanna go halves on a baby?
i want you now
you need to stop dating girls with the same name as your mother...or stop drinking so much...I don't want to see this
I seriously just caught my 15 year old little sister with a positive pregnancy test coming out of the bathroom. Honest to God.
I have a coat hanger and a baseball bat. Her choice.
I tried douching with a turkey baster. Not the brightest idea.
I don't want to have to force feed him my vagina!!
I just want you to know how happy I am that you are circumcised.
I'm taking a new approach to homewrecking... for science. Or I totally would. I have to see what happens between my ex & his brother when he finds out.
Just to be clear, the only reason you're allowed to scream "COCKTAIL SERVANT" at bartenders is because you have nice tits
Tell me again your tentative move date. There are 5 Russians in my apartment on ecstasy and they are having a rave in my living room. I can't. I need to move stat
I have no idea. He was just running around wearing a horse mask yelling "bumfuck" repeatedly. We figured we'd just let him get it out of his system.
Hey do you eat chocolate chip pancakes with bacon in?
DO NOT MAIL ME A PANCAKE
So i walked around campus drunk and alone last night eating pizza and a lunchable from 7-11. Sat by the flag pole and drank an entire liter of water, took off my shoes to prance around in the fountain, then stepped in dog shit on the way home...barefoot.
currently working on a look that screams, "I'm dead inside, but still trying to enjoy the ride"
The moment I was petting the giraffe was the moment I passed out
You ran out of his house yelling "I got the goods!" Then you pulled toilet paper rolls out from under your shirt.
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