i don't know her name but she is cooking me brkfst then helpin me find my car.
she hot?
i don't wanna talk about it
i wanna stay in my bed and fart for a few more hours
He came on my face and tried to draw out a smiley face because he said I looked like I had a bad day
Been at work for four hours and just discovered the chairs in my office double as a napping surface. Most productive thing I've done all day
Finished my senior thesis. How am I celebrating you ask? By drinking gas station white zif out of an empty candle holder by myself. I fucking deserve to graduate.
If my mom walks in on me masturbating one more time I'm moving out
You'd think the first few times would have been enough
You told her that she shouldn't be allowed to wear clothes then when her roommate asked if you like her you said "no I just want to insert things into her"
I stand by it.
I spilled beer everywhere which led to an oil fire and me melting a spatula again. And then I was late to class so I explained what happened to the teacher.
I think I may be the only girl in the world that can say she has fallen asleep grasping a penis..... 3 different times...... 3 different penises
I can't handle dick pics with conversational captions
Pro: Drunk Portland Strip Club. Con: Monday morning hangover at work. Pro: boobs. Con: Sleep deprivation. The Pro's are winning.
I would agree. Add some coffee to the booze. It will cut down on sleep deprivation.
who orders an old fashioned in 2014? even my Grandparents think you're an asshole.
"He didn't answer my snap so I know he's arrested"
Did you ever think you lost your bong and then you find it in the weirdest place? I mean, who leaves their bong in the shower?
The whole country is going to hell in a handbasket but I got a grade A fucking and don't particularly care.
Randomize
