I smelled like jager and penis. The only cure was a pack of camels and plan b.
We videoed ourselves having sex... I now know why I close my eyes during sex
it looked like a condom graveyard when i woke up. they were everywhere
He wanted a handjob during a John Wayne movie. I just couldn't find it in my heart to disrespect that man. John Wayne that is.
Not even close. I woke up in the bed of Codys truck. Wrapped up in a sleeping bed, using a stuffed alligator as a pillow. And Alex was laying naked beside me. Not to mention I wasn't wearing the clothes I got there in.
First funeral I've ever been to where the cops had to come.
We just found a knife wedged in between the cushions on the couch you guys fucked on...why is this?
I think I was using my hair to catch my vomit last night.
You were.
Exactly. Some of us want to get married. And some of us want to wear sombreros and do cocaine. To each their own.
You have my approval. I will dance and throw skittles at your funeral.
So. Do you think marshmallow vodka in hot chocolate while eating a graham cracker would = s'mores?
In some strange universe, yes
The dude at Coffee Bean just handed me my tea latte and whispered, "pomegranate blueberry is such a sexy flavor". With a wink. I'm almost certain that there's an STD floating around in my drink.
I finished masturbating now I'm eating french toast crunch. What is life, and what are friends.
i got my period today. mid walk of shame and im wearing a shirt that says stay classy. my life is a joke.
This is what I get for listening to Christians.
Randomize
