I wanna wear you like a flannel shirt
That level of neurosis does not find love outside of Grey's Anatomy.
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like having to pee in a condom for my cousin so that he can pass a drug test.
You were fucking on a porch at a party, not much privacy should be expected
Fixing to yell "you're too hot for her" at a Gerard butler look alike. There is absolutely no way this is going to end well...
You're either a hooker or Beyonce. Beyonce is abnormally good at doing everything in heels
He's a Shit stain on my heart
When did I go from having sugar daddies to being one? And does it count as a tax write off?
She wants to go furniture shopping for memorial day so we've gotta go portable
thermos full of jaeger bombs?
Affirmative
At this point, if I'm not getting fucked by a man in ONLY cowboy boots, it's not worth it.
I did it on acid. I can cook bacon on any condition
I was drunk, he was taking a bodyshot while avoiding my piercing. I told him I loved him. He waited until I woke up with my hangover to say he loved me too. It was hangover magic.
I learned the hard way a garbage bag will not save you when jumping from a tree at 2am
Left him blackout in the cab, gave 20$ to the cabbie and said drive until the meter said he wasn't getting a tip.
Bangkok has him now.
If you need me I'll be in the hospital involving super glue and fake eyelashes.
Randomize
