If she wasn't my friend I'd think she was a huge slut
You threw a bottle at the bartender and then stole his tip jar. However, you were quickly KO'd by the bartender. Solid right hook.
the pic of her and her boyfriend fell off the wall as we were fucking.
at the time it didn't seem likely that you would ever find the cake in your underwear
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Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
The ultimate Father's Day bonding experience: Both getting bailed out of jail by mom for mooning some shithead cop.
You got a blow job by a girl whose nickname is "the terrible tooth"?! You are a brave man.
Ohh I see how it works, eat pussy and I get Reese's pieces.
she's fucked both of my roommates but not me. i feel like I'm not part of the group anymore
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In Punta Cana for my bachelor trip, hopefully tomorrow my passport is blacklisted
You know you have hit the best years of your life when you enlist the 5 year old to be ball boy during beer pong and pay him with candy you stole from Walgreens
I solemnly swear to help bail you out of jail when you throw a dildo at a politician.
please tell me he didn't just scream 'i am the yiff lord' at the cops
He left a fire sauce packet from taco bell that said "promise you'll text me in the morning" on my nightstand.
Just remembered sticking my head out the window as i drove us to walmart and yelling that i was a golden retriever.
Also, sorry for verbally assaulting you when you asked if you could dump the bowl.
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