I can only date guys with blackberrys
I just decided its a new prereq to talk to me
FYI: Do not ever call any girl a thundercunt as a form of dirty talk.
I just walked in on my roommate beating off with no pants on, an unbuttoned hawaiian shirt and a cowboy hat, and he weights 300 pounds
I do not want to touch your penis after this conversation.
He came into the hospital yelling "HEY EVERYBODY! REMEMBER ME?"
You left a trail of sequins from your dress incase we got lost
You were throwing ham at people telling them you were the sandwhich fairy
my grandpa is going down the line on this prom picture, and telling me how big everyone's nipples are... he was spot on for me.
I couldn't drown my sorrows in an ocean of jack daniels. They may have scuba gear.
Is it socially acceptable to break up with someone over snapchat?
You asked for 4 things: your phone, your wallet, your keys and your denture. I stopped asking questions.
Seriously, it's 5am. STOP CREEPIN and START SLEEPIN!
I feel a little uneasy about having my grandma sleep in my bed that I've banged chicks in not too long ago... Fuckin blizzards
This might be the worst thing you've ever done.
Really? I feel like I've done worse. Guess I gotta step my game up.
woke up, covered in gummy bears, with a note that said "the gummy army won"
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