I was just texting to see if your vagina was working yet.
I returned the dress. When they asked for the reason for return I said, 'I don't deserve to wear white'.
Oh my god I peed in a park last night and then tried to set off fireworks with a group of middle-aged men
Because if not I was going to quote Ryan Lochte as punishment
Thank god I got my shit together
Woke up in a pile of people on the floor. His dad was already up and ask me to help him cook bacon because "7 lbs can be a mother fucker"
I either need to get adopted or have someone's baby, but I'm joining that family
Breaking a step ladder over someone's back turned into a really fun game, way too quickly.
She's not a foreskin expert like you
Do you think there are two dudes living in an apartment somewhere that go to the store and call it Brocery shopping?
Oh god...probably.
This is exactly why you shouldn't bang your bartender. Although the awkward free shots are a plus.
I think I just pulled an onion peel off my boob from sleeping on their kitchen floor
You blew him?!?!
*Am blowing
And I keep taking breaks to write you back, please stop replying.
Anybody can graduate from college sober. You try it while being stoned every day for the last three years. 2.75 baby.
Interesting fact: if you wanted to rename a guy Jeff, just tell him you only fuck Jeffs. Magically whatever name he was using is actually his middle name cause he doesn't like going by Jeff.
He's a wizard, there is no other explanation for how hard I came last night. None.
We hooked up and he sent me home with a plant and skittles lmao
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