you better believe me or I'll punch you in the face
I just remembered I gave $20 to a bum last nite. Philanthropy events always make me do stupid shit.
I just witnessed someone getting head in the parking garage. Don't ever tell me Baylor is too conservative again.
Man, I must say, having known you since preschool, Eiffel-Tower-ing her would've fully completed our journey to brotherhood.
These People Made Expensive Mistakes That They’ll Regret Forever
You left me on the phone while you grabbed a plastic bag and started puking. I recorded it. Its my new ringtone for you
pregamed for the floor meeting. so stoned. i keep thinking my RA is shrinking.
There were midgets. And vodka. If you don't appreciate the awesomeness of that sentence, read it again.
You know I told you about that hammering at 3 AM yesterday? Turns out it was Holly beating the lock out of her door with a mallet because she'd forgotten her keys.
Doesn't she keep a spare?
Drunk Holly doesn't listen to Sober Holly's plans.
Saw a ginger and the first thing I thought of doing was yelling "you have no soul!" so I called you so we can yell it together with you on speakerphone.
Things The Opposite Sex Just Doesn’t Understand
Oh. My. God. Dad smoked a bowl. He's been playing cards...I just told a story and when I was done, he got really close to my face and very seriously asked me if he had cheese in his beard. I'm about to die.
I offered to give him "road head" while he played GTA 5. I think he will be more optimistic about date night in the future.
I feel like at this point in my life I should be dating someone who doesn't run out of all his money on Mondays and have to wait til fridy to buy his weed
so I ate shit in the bar and took a barstool down with me and this guy helped me up and I just started making out with him. I need to stop meeting men like that
That sad moment when the drawer I used to keep condoms in now has poptarts in it..
For future reference, when he drunkenly screams "YOUR MOTHER SUCKS COCKS IN HELL," he means that he's about to throw up. Invest in a bucket.