You flung your panties at that guy you liked with an accuracy that I have never seen before.
We learned a valuable lesson from last night. You can, in fact, order bacon on a Big Mac.
He keeps asking me for girl advice, i told him im an expert at getting drunk, not girls
Drunk tip #47: Its better to overestimate how many plastic bottles itll take to urinate in, rather then underestimate.
I usually would've stopped there but I kinda remember opening the bottle of vodka, and we ALL know that's when things go downhill.
Just bought an airhorn. Bad things will happen.
You look me right in the eyes and yelled "By the power of the superglue beer sword, I designate you my driver!" I almost felt honored.
I draw, I play three woodwind instruments, I press buttons for eight hours at work and Im studying to be a gynecologist... I guarantee I can make you squirt, babe.
Sweet tea and masterbation. It's how I manage.
In that case, if you come anywhere near my house you can expect to be chased down various streets by a half naked me wielding a baseball bat. No, I am not giving you my address.
Why so serious bruh
Y'know i appreciate how accepting you are of me being a terrible person.
I'm actually pinning crap for Friendsgiving like a boss right now. These bitches better show up.
HELL YEAH TIME TO KICK THE CHILDREN
The box said 94% effective prevention of pregnancy if used correctly but God knows I’m not gonna use it right so let’s adjust that to like a 70%
Does the girl you just banged want anything from Taco Bell?
Randomize
