He said he was just looking at my pictures and was thinking about how he wanted to cut my hair..then dye it black and put platnium blonde extensions throughout it and layer my hair
I just woke up and found a naked man on my floor. Looks like Dad had a wild night of strip poker
What started out as Cougar hunting turned into whaling
Seriously just heard: "we need some good ass wine. how bout this swa-vig-non blank"
hahahaha. Oh virginia: where the south begins
My pupils are so HUGE you can see into my soul from 2 miles away
I always hoped that one day I'd have a sex position named in my honor.
Just saw a hooker eating a pastrami sandwich walking down beach blvd blowing kisses to traffic. My day = made
Ps I'm glad our relationship hasn't progressed into having to get married so we legally can't testify against each other
I kind of want to throw a lot of things at him. Mostly blunt, heavy objects.
I just had to kick out lesbian wedding crashers. They literally wanted to punch me. I threatened to call the cops so they went outside and smoked a joint.
i need some fresh meat. meat that has a license and a job and isn’t a FULL-blown alcoholic. partial i could tolerate, bc, haha, let’s be honest, me likey my drinkies.
Crying into a glass of wine at 10 am isn't exactly how I planned this day to go
Never let your siblings swipe right.
"Why is there a bottle of Tequila taped to the fan?"
I promise your sink was clogged before I threw up in it.
Randomize
