hahhahahha. mid doggie-style, i faked an asthma attack. the sex was that bad
I just added her as a friend on Facebook. I met her 5 minutes ago and there are already more than 50 pics of me uploaded... from other nights.
dad just smoked me out. he's yelling at room service for not giving him cookies and milk with his towels...we're both too high to know if thats a legit complaint.
i just ate a whole pizza and threw it back up in the time span of 13 minutes. give me the number to guiness book of world records.
I think i can hear god laughing at me and yelling "thou shall pay for thy habits of underage drinking" through a megaphone directly at my eardrums
You know how I've been hooking up with my ex? Well he told me he loved me and I said I was just there for sex so let's get it done. He looked sad, but he did it anyways. And life was good again.
She is the absolute last thing I would want to screw. Honestly. Fellating a porcupine. Higher on the list.
He expects to fuck my tits but will ignore me in public.
You know you're a fat kid when you've spent half the day having a twitter conversation with Pizza Hut.
I know, my friend Erin took me into the bathroom at work and poured pickle juice on me.
I feel like the universe head butted me in my balls. That hungover.
.... My lady balls. Cuz I'm a lady.
Your friend gave me you're number. I was the guy locked behind the book shelf.
I think you have the wrong number, but I hope you escaped your library-prison?
Remember when I got punched in the face on NYE last year? I don't
I'm just to the point my give a fucks is so far in the red that I'm going to have to take out a 30yr loan of fucks to repay it
Will Smith has a direct hotline to my emotions
Randomize
