The bartender let me pay my bar tab with my itunes giftcards.
You cant give me a fifth of god damn jim beam and expect me not to cheat on my gf.
So apparently the christmas orgy was a complete disaster
We didn't need to cut her off. I'm pretty sure the lit candle she almost drank would have done it for us
He grabbed every salt shaker in the apartment and we haven't seen him since. He really really doesn't want to shovel snow anymore.
We where late for the party because we spent the last hour staring at a towl becase we thought it was a raccoon
We're gona eat taco bell and then take exlax and see who can hold it in the longest. Loser has to pay for drinks all weekend. You in?
I am not even close to finishing violently masturbating over that video.
I found a body half wedged into my bedroom wall this morning. How do I explain THIS to the carpenters?
You aren't going to like my movie choice because it's a Disney movie, but I am cordially inviting you to the couch for blowjobs.
Hold on... Are we having an intellectual conversation about porn?
Yup
I love us.
last thing I remember is yelling 'sit on my face' through a traffic cone
the only thing she has in her apt so far is toilet paper and shot glasses. you can see where the priorities lie.
I get off at 11. but they've been letting me go early cuz I've been crying a lot
I have to lie to someone and move five gallons of fermenting alcohol across campus but after that i'll hit you up 4 sho
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