for on dont try to tell me you love me after three weeks of talking, for two if you are going to do that stay away from the song lyrics to a very good country song that you happened to ruin by using it, and for three erase my number im fuckin your sister now
finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
i slept with her, drove her to her sisters house to babysit, and then drove around the block where i met her sister and had sex with her in my van. I'm family Friendly!
He just sent me a dick pic with his iPod held up next to it and the words "in relation to iPod." Geekiest booty call ever.
Her roommate texted her and told her that her cat died. Now she's double-fisting bottles of wine while howling and wailing her dead cat's name. Not how I pictured this booty call.
I need to make a new year's resolution to only pee in toilets. And it needs to start happening before the new year.
he looks SO much like Drake, I feel like an extreme groupie every time we have sex.
Don't judge them too harshly for getting kicked out of a strip club. Happens to the best of us.
You are the coolest girlfriend ever.
The original plan involved fireworks and a lot more dildos but the new one is still okay.
What happened to fro yo and sex?
Your "whiskey dick" is glorious but also terrifying
I just got a robo call from the Addiction Help Line. Not sure how to take that.
So much for no-infidelity-fridays....
His junk had piercings everywhere. The dick and balls. It was a fucking pirate penis.
All I remember is being in the middle of the road puking and my bestfriend cheering me on from the passenger seat...
Randomize
