Remember that night when i almost got you arrested? Is that funny yet?
They're calling for 20 inches of snow but I'll have a dirtbike for emergency trips to the liquor store. Even if I crash it won't hurt.
I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
I've only left my bed to pee and eat nutella out of the jar with my fingers
You've slept with me you know how lazy I am in bed.
Either I'm deep cleaning my apartment out of severe academic procrastination or I'm subconsciously nesting and need to take a pregnancy test.
I just heard my parents fuck. What. The. Fuck. My rooms right under theirs.. My dad barely even lasted a minute. Im almost ashamed..
The last thing I remember was paying off her younger brother not to judge me, then puking on his shoes.
IT'S LIKE SHE TAKES SECRET KUNG FU CUNT LESSONS AND THEN BRUCE LEES ALL OVER EVERYONE.
I just did a drunk experiment to find out what it looks like when you turn a burner on the stove on while wearing night-vision goggles. I may be blind in my right eye now.
so hungover. i just puked at the sight of the beer emoticon you sent me.
Don't you judge us. Sockets make ideal bowls
i was so high i thought the horse on my poster was running
A gay guy went down on me in the club bathroom and then fixed my makeup for me
its gonna be a great night
God doesn't care if you're a paramedic, you can't do that to someones cat and still get into heaven
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