I wish they had a "No Yankees" filter on status updates.
yeah but it's new years. they should arrest people for being sober that day.
She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
her sex was completely horrible but her weed was great. imma ask her out again
Im beginning to think that if I ever write an autobiography it will have to be mostly fill in the blank.
I have so many hands. So. Many. Hands. I can feel arms that I don't have yet. They tickle. I can see the blood in my eyes. I think something is happening. The hands!!! I'm ticking myself with hands I don't have yet! I can't stop giggling about my notyet hands!
Uh no. you let me handle it. trust me: I can paint the Mona Lisa in tints of bitch.
I've given up for the day already. I just wanna eat cheesecake and hide from her.
Sean getting laid is an anomaly, Sean banging the hottest single girl at the wedding is a fucking unicorn being ridden by a leprechaun walking through mordor.
People are stripping in McDonalds. Do I join?
YES.
But how will the next generation learn about life choices without a Jersery Shore?
At tuba camp, the pickings are slim. It's like being the tallest midget.
you made a mix containing mostly whiskey. then you took a sip, gagged and yelled "perfect!"
You were up on table in a neon bra chanting "YOUR MOM" while drizzling vodka on your chest...
no wonder i woke up with my boobs stuck to my bra
I had a dream that I was smoking rasberries out of a bong. THEY WEREN'T EVEN DRIED...
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