Puked in a plastic neiman Marcus bag while driving. My biggest accomplishment yet
When did we start counting Thursdays as weekends?
When we got our fake ids in grade 11, why?
I just feel like it's time to start counting wednesdays as well...
You showed up at my apartment after 3 am wasted with a plate of cookies and tried to hook up.
Sorry about that. Except for the cookies.
Rain ponchos don't count as shirts at the bar. FYI.
We are going all out this weekend. My liver is already smiling.
You used up your allotted blow job minutes for the month of April last night anyways
this probably sounds so sketchy, but hes going to jail in a month so he needs a place to crash for now. Hes sick though, and hes paying half our rent
In the last 3 months, I've slept with an ex,someone single, someone in a relationship, someone married, and someone divorced. I should get some type of grown up girl scouts badge.
I mean like if I stood up my head might pull me down like an anchor
How do you initiate sexting are u supposed to be like yo I'm peeing and eating a clif bar and texting and thinking about you naked all at the same time
Being able to fart in my own house is like 90% of why I pay rent
My vagina has a mind if its own. Can you imagine if I didnt have you to run her ideas through.
The Wolf of Wall Street “I ain’t fuckin’ leaving!” speech when the cops broke up your party though...
Can't find my wig, my underwear, or my dignity. Halloween 2016
Dick is dick
Look decision making is not my specialty
Which is why I just spent $33 on a breakfast sandwich coffee and hash browns
Randomize
