The album was titled "Best Night Ever" until she found out she was preggers and switched it to "God Punishes Sluts"
I think my goal in life now is to be a Trending topic on Twitter after I die.
I just banged that chick from the bar by speaking french. all i had to do was recite my grocery list
I couldn't be mad. She was crying because she fell bare ass into the rose bush trying to pee. So I held her up mid-stream and she peed on my feet. No big
Plus my stomach has been speaking through my ass all day sending notes saying "fuck you" and "this is from your liver" or "i will kill you."
We really have to stop convincing people tazing is the cool thing to do.
Nothing like pulling a bottle of vodka out of your purse at 7am in the security line to make your fellow passengers uncomfortable...
Just watched a guy get through airport security with a full bottle of captain morgan. In my head the entire airport cheered.
Sorry, I was trapped in a small closet behind a washer. What's up?
I just googled: how soon can I pee on a stick. What is my life coming to.
There's not really an emoticon that says "I'm sorry I honked your boobs, and that you weren't a fan of that."
Whoever was doing lines off my iPad is a dick. Also bring Gatorade, for I hunger
For Who flesh?
I told you naked hot tub wrestling would turn bad now one of us has a gash on the head and another a black eye
Once someone takes a shit in your toilet they are no longer a guest.
He gave us beer and shots and made us pizza in his brick oven before firing a handgun into the air to signal it was time to give us a ride in his inflatable raft to the bars.
He's like a mythological figure
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