You wouldn't stop asking the hibachi cook if his knife was a hattori hanzo
apparently i'm not the first person wake up and realize she's ugly cuz i tore this house apart and there is no sign of my clothes
Don't be mad at me. I know peeing in your drawer is 1 thing and peeing on you while you're sleeping is another, but im sorry..i love you
and while your girlfriend wears your relationship pants, i'll be wearing my ecstasy pants
i looked up his schedule, waited outside his classroom, and handed him the receipt for plan b
Dude..masurbate with cocoa butter lotion..its like cocoa pebbles just gave me a hand job
I hope you remember pushing the girl off the stage because you said she wasn't good at pole dancing.
Now I know he's not trying to fuck me. He took me to lunch at White Castle.
Um, would you be up for dick jousting? Stefanie is willing to pay 40 bucks.
I'm ordering dildos in a santa hat. You?
I baked a frozen pizza completely, put it back in the plastic and box, and put it back in the freezer. THAT drunk.
I danced my ass off after the funeral last night. Kept dropping it low and I can feel it in my legs today. Im like shit I needa go work out
What a way to honor the dead
dude pick up your phone
i cant. im high and theres a wild turkey in my backyard. wouldnt miss this moment for anything
I'm completely creeped out. He's dressed as me. And thinks it's funny.
She shouldn’t care what consenting adults do behind closed doors
You do realize it was her husband you were hooking up with behind that door, right?
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