You drank the expired grape juice because you were convinced it had fermented into wine...you have a problem.
we need to stop having unprotected sex.
ya i know. we're like the secret life of the american whores.
My drunk body wants to fuck you so bad, but my high mind is telling me it's too much work. I think I'm just gonna stay home and eat some Mac and cheese. Sorry.
Just flooded the bathroom while masturbating in the shower. Managed to squeege most of it up. Desperately need to get laid.
I chased a girl up a staircase screaming because she had a cardboard cut out of James Dean which, at the time, I believed to my friend being held against his will
Its so fun. We're having a music war with the boat next to us. They have strippers.
He was more tolerable with alcohol in my system. I woke up to him squeezing me and telling me how he wanted to dip me in strawberry jam.
Yeah you insisted everyone watch Space Jam at 2 in the morning then you cried the whole way through it. You were the very worst kind of drunk.
Actually, what with the curvature of the Earth, it's faster to leave from Washington. And Google maps recommends kayaking instead of swimming.
On another note I never thought having a drug addicted stalker would prove useful
My phone has started autocorrecting "monogamy" to "monogamish"
You grabbed my dick don't call me son
I just got offered free tattoos if I smuggle some guns from OKC to Dallas for a guy in the hells angels
Dude.. She just busted into my house wearing a ski mask, a poncho, and thigh-high pink hooker boots and yelled, "THE CABS ARE HEEERRREEE!!"
My breath smells like dick and biscuits..
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