K I think ***** turned off her phone. Guess I can't make her feel any more miserable tonight so I'm goin to sleep
I least I know I can't get pregnant because it's on my hair
Question: If I woke up with one eyebrow mysteriously missing, do I shave the other one to match?
pretty sure I just motor boated my professor at the drag show
i never realize how drunk i am until i start using people as human stripper poles
im not an educated person. i just do things. and it works out in my favor
this stripper weighs a pound. I feel like I should tip her in food.
You skyped me last night to show me the girl passed out on your bed.
Depending on hangover severity. The fact that I can spell severity is in your favor.
Sun* burn. But that sounds like wait.. Midsentence thought... It would be like swimming in a giant bowl of cereal.. Only I would be cereal. This is brilliant.
Up until today, I never would have thought I'd have to tell someone not to color on the cat
I distinctly remember telling him "I'll suck your dick while you eat pizza"
In my top drawer right now, there are see's chocolates, condoms, weed, and my vibrator. One way or another, this is going to be a good night
I'm worried my dog collar isn't going to come in time. I might be trying on dog collars at PetSmart next week. That could get awkward.
You know that voice that tells you to do something spontaneous after 1am? Don't listen to it.
Randomize
