just smash crush and snort whatever we can get our paws on
I knew I fell for you for a reason
You stole her bday cake and shared it with drunk strangers on the street.
having someone tell me to "prepare my vagina" is not really something I want to hear..
The woman at the bus stop told me i smell delicious and asked if i wear cotton then proceeded to tell me about her shellfish allergy
I drunk dialed my ex-boyfriend last night. He was sitting next to my new boyfriend. Shoot me in the face.
Only thing worse than going to work with a hangover is going to work with a hangover then realizing that u don't have to work that day
sea world and a strip club? BEST DAY EVER!
Hate you missed the after party, I was covered in dish soap gliding bare assed down a slip n slide at 6:30 this morning
true... I just kept thinking "THAT IS A PENIS. OMG THAT IS A PENIS. DOES HE KNOW IM STARRING? STOP LOOKING. OMG THIS IS AWKWARD. PENISSSSS"
I love our relationship. We just get drunk, show each other our tits, demonstrate sexual positions and make pasta. Then you go to bed and I sit around with your mom and cry about how proud of you we are.
There is not enough whiskey in the world to get me through what happened on Pretty Little Liars tonight.
First world problems.
We were watchin sharknado and we hooked up while I had the Donald Trump shirt on. She said she felt like he was staring at her
The orgasm I got from him made me feel almost as good as I imagine the girls in the tampon commercials feel.
So my ex just asked for my address to send me his wedding invitation... in Europe. Awesome.
That’s basically a green light to fuck his dad
you said you were the change fairy and you kept throwing all of your quarters at me.
Randomize
