I want to touch your soul through your body...with my penis...
Mike i'm at church right now...
everything is bigger in texas. Including my drinking problem.
I mean, he's dancing back and forth between pathetically sad and massively fucking creepy.
But Alex is drunk in Philly and I told him to come see me so that's "first-love,-drunk,-high,-and-it's-a-snow-day-hook-up-with-an-ex" points. 69
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
I like to think I'd be good at dodging genitalia.
Awkwardly walking by your fuck buddy and waving a casual hi in his direction like nothing has happened is probably the best thing in my life
It's that time of night again when I start to think I'm really funny, but no one else is as drunk as I am so they all start avoiding me.
I need Jameson.
Yea? How do you think I feel? Your job during the delivery is to keep that flask ready. The moment our kid pops out, I'm taking a shot.
First table when you walk in. Can't miss us. I'm wearing a feather boa and a green hat
You had me at first table
I was trying to fart in my sleep in the hopes that he would leave
No amount of beer will make me feel better about this. It's time for Emergency Whisky
I'm not too sure what happened last night, but by the looks of it, we must have gotten drunk with zebras.
If I'm able to walk tomorrow morning, I'm gonna be really disappointed with myself...
you have 10 seconds to explain why the toilet is full of bread or its ALL GOING ON YOUR BED.
Randomize
