just survived the first fart of the relationship.
Note left in log book: "4:30am a guy was caught masturbating in the bathroom and passed out in his own juices and we had to take the door off the hinges."
You guys are open that late?
he left me a 6 minute video of him peeling a clementine listening to justin bieber
My landlord wasn't pleased about the new fire pit we built him.
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And then she was like, "don't do anything. No blow jobs, don't let him stick his fingers in weird places because people have germs."
She wore that goddamn strap-on all night. When she was playing guitar hero it kept getting in the way but she just wouldn't take it off.
Dude in front of me just jumped out of line at Starbucks to go puke. Vegas in prime form.
A whole bunch of large men eating Doritos just knocked on my door and asked if they could take out my trash?
Hurry up. Some creepy guy with a "God is vengeful" flyer is asking where I wanna go most today. I think he's going to chop me into pieces.
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I think this agreement was sent by God. I get to do my own thing, get laid, and he still makes me breakfast in the morning.
I want your cock.
All we are is dust in the wiiiiiiinnnnnnnnnnd
I was "singing along to the Lego Movie" high. Everything was not awesome
You told him he looked like Jesus and that you wanted to fuck his face, I'd say your blind date went well
What's your opinion on eating ass? Just looking for a yes or no
Word. I want it involving like... sing-a-longs and sniffing glue.
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