I just sneezed everywhere.....everywhere. Now no one will talk to me.
you broke into my aparment at three in the morning wearing long johns and offered me beer.
And by that I mean I told her the plot of the first batman movie as my life and it took her like 20 minutes to figure it out
I think that the jello shots in bowls is where it all went wrong.
He acted like he was sleep fucking because I woke up to him screwing me in the middle of the night and he had is eyes closed and was mumbling things the whole time and wouldn't respond to me.
Is that even possible?
I called him by the wrong name to test him and he instantly stopped, rolled over and acted like he was still sleeping...I think he might break up with me tomorrow.
Do I need to take a photo of my sister's enlarged and disgustingly dark nipples to scare you into protection? DO I?
You peed on someones bathroom floor while saying people are rude for not flushing
I have a diplomatic trade for you. My pants for your rum. Tomorrow?
i could have been the DD. this is ridiculous. i'm the most sober and getting the least ass.
He pulled a bucket of fried chicken out of his backpack as a peace offering. Under the chicken was a rainbow bag of weed. We're dating again.
The fake number she gave me was for Pappa John's. Now I have a large pepperoni on the way.
I literally wonder, frequently, "Will anyone ever fuck me until i go cross eyed for 2 hours again?''
I'm sorry I tried to stab you. I just really wanted those mozerella sticks.
I will be wearing a suit out more cuz it has been decided i rage harder with a power tie
So anyways, we returned the toilet paper and decided to use the money for taco bell and slurpees instead...
Randomize
