Nobody needs to come anywhere. Except on your face.
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
I'm on the bus and the homeless person in the seat to my left is jacking off to a cartoon picture he found. He's now cleaning up with mitten I dropped.
You were playing beer pong by yourself. Finally someone took the ball and threw it into the bonfire. You sat by it, cried, and contemplated how to get it out. For 45 minutes.
did you know that snuggie is the perfect anti-freak out aid for stoners? it weighs you down so you can't go anywhere. just sit there and enjoy the movie, that's right.
Changed my mind. Wearing a dress. Casual, with a side of breasts.
Just found my shirt from Saturday, got an automatic contact buzz.
Maybe its all the xanax she takes but she literally has NO shame
bleeding from the face, sitting in a shopping cart and holding a wad of ripped caution tape. what else would i be doing?
I dunno what he did but it both burns and feels amazing to pee
Discovery: there is a folder in my pictures labeled "Your Name and cats"
I just gave them my two week notice. Now is the perfect time to fuck my boss's son
What are we just gonna be those girls that get fucked in your parents basement and not get taken to dinner? I don't wanna be those girls.
It says something about our relationship that he stole your phone to tell me about his dick at 3am and neither of us realized that wasn't you until just now
My shower turned into a bath, turned into me lying on the shower floor with the water running over me... That hung over..
Randomize
