i was so high last night that i actually googled "how to get un high"
if you ask that question again our friendship is over
I will give everyone a free pointer today. Here it goes, always pee by the house late at night to avoid getting shot by drunk bastards with guns. Never go by the tree line.
Fyi mom and I voted and you're the DD tonight, congratulations
There's a man in a pair of gray footie pajamas and a paper crown watching the kids at the playground. It was easier to tell who was a pedophile before Where the Wild Things Are came out.
getting caught by my parents in bed with another guy was way easier coming out than telling them over dinner like I had planned.
why didn't you say something constructive like "stop chugging that vodka"?
hey you sure the big one didn't have a penis she left the seat up
I'm not saying going to the volleyball games drunk on Tuesday night was a bad idea I'm just saying we shouldn't make a routine of it.
Most awkward car ride ever. Kid in the front seat was bawling, 2 in the backseat were ready to fight, and I was giving the last kid a handie. This needs to stop happening to us.
If your relationships aren't working out because she doesn't have a penis THEN maybe you should give dudes another go
Dude hobos go hard. I learned a lot last night.
So last night took an interesting turn.. Never thought I'd say I had to pick up my glasses off the floor of a strip club
I spent the whole ride asking the cabbie if people ever have sex back there, and if he wanted me to make that number one higher.
Hey, don't blame me for the shitty evening; I wasn't the one who promised hookers, Dos Equis and foster kittens. Keith was.
God... We're terrible. I'm so proud of us.
I know! It makes me feel all warm inside. Or maybe that's just me getting closer to hell.
Randomize
