I just paid $5 for a shot of el toro and the bartender wasn't even hot. Rock bottom.
Those motion detector trash cans don't work fast enough to catch puke.
His threats seemed pretty legit for a 6 year old
Don't play hard to get, I've seen some of the girls you've slept with.
It starts with an S and ends with arah just gave me a bj.
So help me Jesus we're never drinking together again. But weekends don't count. Amen.
He left his shoes, boxers and socks at my house & managed to walk home to his dorm without realizing anything was missing until 3 days after. That's the last time i'll ever hook up with a freshman.
Oh and apparently Friday night I came home and tried assembling the Christmas tree until my mom just told me to go to bed. Blackout.
This is stupid. I am not getting knocked up from fucking in his backseat behind a starbucks. I refuse.
I spent the last 6 months operating under the assumption that I HADNT fucked a paramedic. I was wrong.
I went to work hungover and threw up in the break room. Told them I was pregnant and then said I quit. I don't have a job now, thanks vodka.
Yay I only have ONE giant mystery bruise from yesterday
I think I should write my liver a thank you note. If it had my work ethic, I would be dead now.
I woke up under a house in Key West
you tried to strip tease your way into canada but got arrested instead. don't worry, your mom doesn't know.
Randomize
