Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
You hooked up with a kindergarten teacher?
Yea. It's kind of weird knowing that there are kindergarten teachers out there with their nipples pierced.
So I woke up today with someone's door knob in my pocket. I hope everbody else got out of the house ok.
You mean 'full wolf form' wasn't a drunk text?
That doesn't help it make any more sense. Because now you've brought pinata condoms into this.
You then showed up downstairs in only a robe, telling everyone how you were "the most chivalristic fratstar ever."
i love how you just walk into that dealer's house every time without knocking, yet you don't even know his name
Treating myself to outback while reading the entire manual that comes with my birth control in public. Is this what single has come to?
this hospital has no fireball
i don't know man... i just want to listen to John Lennon every time i finish fucking her. is this love?
Come get your pancakes and take a nap in my boobs.
He stopped in the middle of us banging in order to check in for his Southwest flight.
I apparently asked the bartender for a plastic bag and told her I was gunna puke then grabbed two handles from the bar then put the handles in the plastic bag and left.....
Who the fuck just called me and played funkytown
How many Hail Marys does a girl need to say to get some quality nudes?
Randomize
