Jason just peed on the potty all by himself!!
"omg awesome!, you do realize we aren't together anymore"
ahhh, you guys look like a cute little family in the cop car!
I'm done trying to be a vegetarian. My vagina smells like hummus.
I wish I could donate my sober boners to my whiskey dick
he had to chose between the booze and condoms
what did he choose?
the booze, then looked at me and said, plan b is free right?
dude im at a party with a bunch of 17 year old gilrs this is awesome
no its not leave
Almost told my boss I was an expert aat swallowing when he questioned my ability to take excedrin,xanax, and a vitamin all at once. It was a medicinal gang bang lubricated by arizona tea.
struggle bus is officially taking me on a road trip to hell. If this is just the first destination, I'll jump out the fucking window.
I wish there was a morning after pill for dominoes.
Please just help me figure out where the bruise on my face came from.
I just tried to snap you a picture of the CVS where we decided not to become parents.
I couldn't have possibly been that bad
You had her flip the penny over to the lucky side before you picked it up and ate it...
He was out clubbing with his SON. WHY did you let me KISS HIM? Also WHERE WAS HIS SON?!
I hate being the first one to text him all the time...I feel like Iook desperate to get laid when the reality is that im just really horny and he has a/c...
Finally hooked up with Ryan. Now I know why they call him “Beast Mode”. So. Many. Orgasms.
Randomize
