I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
Should I ask him to prom mid fuck? That way he has to say yes.
There are only two things that should be in vaginas... penises and vegetables
finally achieved: got laid in the religion section of borders. thought you should know.
mom just told me i had to find a fake by next wednesday.
God, you're like boner-b-gone
critical mistake not lubing the nipples
she looked at me completely serious and said "orgasms are 15% Stronger during a hurricane" and started to take all her clothes off
take 2 Ambien then drink a Red Bull and watch Alice in Wonderland. Trust me.
It's gotten to the point that the dirty talk in my head when I touch myself has your accent
Just did coke off of a cross necklace and am headed to the strip club. Happy Easter!
He goes "sorry was at the gym. Some of us workout " and I wanted to text him back and go "well some of us do occasional drugs so we don't have to"
Wake up we need to beat the walk of shame rush hour
Tuesday Boozeday turned into What-the-fuck-were-you-thinking Wednesday real fast.
I need to reevaluate my stance on weekday hangovers...
Randomize
