i just passed a truck with a bumper sticker saying "i'd rather be cummin than strokin." god bless the midwest.
so you know how i got laid the other night? well a condom just came out of me and i dont know whether to be grossed out or happy
i am grossed the fuck out
he asked me if i "normally slept like that" because i was curled up in a ball facing the wall. then he told me that i woke up in the middle of the night and said "oh my god. i forgot you were here." how did he not understand that i didn't want him in my bed.
Is there a zoo near here? I need to see some penguins like right now..
I am not bailing you of of jail
Mom got me cough medicine that tastes like tequila . She said she took taste tests. Best mom ever.
We were messing around at his place it was going fine until he said, "I'm going to cum, hand me the shot glass"
Please take a moment of silence for the fact that I still have all 10 fingers
I think that was him coming out to me. I just brushed it off
Of all the things that can be stripped of me i'll be damned if it's my vanity
All I can think of is a mama duck followed by her baby ducks, in brightly colored track shoes.
How high are you?
Last night I made the hotel shuttle driver take me to Walgreens for birth control, and Pringles.
They were both high priority
dave might be using McDoubles to pay for dances
he has gotten at least 7 lap dances out back
I just my had my first cup of coffee in a week. I think I might orgasm.
He let me share his family pack of hot pockets with him. Chivalry isn't dead after all.
Can I borrow your pants?
WTH?
Just come to the men’s room and help me. The blonde bartender figured out I’m married. Rachel will definitely notice if come home pantsless
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