god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
She told me she got a 15 on her A.C.T.. that's when I knew it was a done deal.
Babe! I just farted and I swear to jesus lord christ that it sounded like ur name! Ok, more like Meeatt but still... awesome.
I felt like a body pillow being humped by a twelve year old.
Yeah he had his two razors labeled "face" and "pubes". Should I be disgusted or impressed?
I will now attempt to shave my public hair into a Christmas tree.
she gave me one of those friendship bracelets and said as long as I wore it it was like an all-access pass to her vagina
I bought a dress specifically for face plant durability... this is how serious I am about my drunk status this weekend
I mean how do you tell a nurse in the ER that you dislocated your knee giving a blowjob to your boyfriend.
Very innocently.
He picked me up in the very car he devirginized me in, his moms toyota.
Yes... I'll kill two birds with one crazy ecstacy filled night.
Walk of shame: Easter Edition. He is risen.
I never thought that at some point in my life I would end up in the back of a cop car dressed as Pumba #HakunaMatata
She gave me a job then fed me cheesecake in bed. She's a keeper!
Well we found Mark's missing underwear. They're pinned up on Mike's trophy wall.
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