My underwear smells like fireworks.
just realized the sink is the perfect height to piss into never cleaning the toilet again
dont like to call her my roomate, too cordial. i refer to her as the whore that was assigned to live with me
It took him longer to remove his skinny jeans than it did for him to finish. I didn't even have time to realize it sucked until it was already over.
The bouncer said he wanted to but BBQ sauce on my legs. That Mystic tan has already paid for itself.
I NEED TO NOT REMEMBER THIS IN THE MORNING. He is our TEACHER.
He confessed to putting dry erase marker dots on my vibrator to keep track of when I "electronically cheated" and then passed out.
I mean how do you tell a nurse in the ER that you dislocated your knee giving a blowjob to your boyfriend.
Very innocently.
my drivers license is super glued to my shoulder and im to hung over to get it off come and help me
Some guys phone started vibrating on the tv. I answered mine. That's how high I am.
There's a quesaritto in the oven. Neither of us have been to Taco Bell in 3 weeks.
What's with guys asking if I wanna "kick it" like I'm some fucking 19 year old
I just want to say that I've always loved you and you are my best friend ever
You gave that creepy guy my number, didn't you? You really need to learn how to just say no, not interested.
We're pretty sure we got naked at Pride, so running the two blocks to your place in my underwear is a step up the dignity ladder really.
So, I need to know. Why did you spraypaint your underwear gold?
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