So I pulled my t-shirt down, pushed my boobs up and marched right into that church!
community service is like the breakfast club... except we're all the criminal.
She kept calling me her DD, which I assumed meant designated driver, so I was confused because I don't even have a car. Found out later it means designated dick. It's what her and her friends use as code for the guy they want to hook up with at the end of the night. I feel so used.
he was walking around the bar drinking wild turkey and gobbling simultaneously
Just tried to fight the dj at cowboys because he would'nt play freebird. Pick me up now.
Two grown ass men just come into the bar riding humongous tricyles
Just so you know I would totally fuck you. Does that count as a feeling?
They were going around the house breaking things and screaming "Not my house!"
I may or may not have traded sexual favors for Disney on Ice tickets.
He just turned 21, it's very obvious the end of their relationship is near. Now we play the waiting game.
Next year for Halloween you can be the sword swallower, with a penis shaped sword.
He said he'd prefer a photo rather than discuss politics, I sent him a snapchat "conservative shorts 4 conservative man". He said "be liberal"
I'm not dropping acid and watching game of thrones with you. That just sounds like a disaster waiting to happen.
When is the right time to ask your new roommate for her school schedule so she doesn't walk in on you fucking some rando in the kitchen in the middle of the afternoon?
I swear to God if you start calling your dick “my pegasus” we’re not friends anymore
Randomize
