Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.
I just got my poem back from the prof, there's a sticker of a girraffe on it and it says "you're awesome!" ... How can this even be considered real college?!?
The neighbors are smoking hash and doing Julia Child impressions...again.
You know that hot fire fighter I fucked yesterday? Well him and two other guys are killing the fire on my stove. Awkward.
I was dressed in monkey onesie serving people vodka jelly with a spoon...
This morning on my way to work I saw a guy ride his bike straight into a woman and her dog while trying to light a bowl. Thought of you.
I just saw two homeless guys bond over the fact that they both use Crown Royal bags as wallets in Burger King.
I wonder how many people I can tell that he has one nut before he finds out it's me spreading it.
Status: mom bitching about grandma not shutting the fuck up, while not shutting the fuck up. Dear Jesus give me strength or more bourbon.
I was literally so lonely last night that I stopped watching a video on porn hub and just read the comments
I call bullshit
Call it what ever you want I just need to figure out how to get permanent marker off my cock
Ladies night is a gift from god. If it weren't for that, I'd probably be selling my eggs for booze money.
Its official, kitchen-couch is my favorite.
You passed out again didn't you?
its likely that this occurred.
I mean his penis was perfect in pictures but its even more perfect inside me
AND ONCE AGAIN THE HENNESSEY MAKES ME A SUPER SAIYAN
Oh for fuck's sake, is that why the couch is in the pool???
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