I wish we could go back in time and find our best farts ever
I dunno... she just cried a lot and I kept sighing.
i just woke up and "where the fuck is taco bell" was in my search engine...
So he ended up having sex with me, but it was so awkward. When it was over, he went to the bathroom, and he came back and asked, "are you on your period or something? there's blood on my dick..." and i said, "well it was supposed to start today, nice surprise...i am so embarrassed." and he said ,"it's better than you queefing." and as soon as he said that, i queef the hardest and loudest i ever had.
I really super glued a paper bow tie to my body last night. I need to do less drugs.
I knew I was in the wrong bar when "I have a daughter your age" was some random's pick up line.
If you're going to outback I'll have to decline, I've slept with a large enough portion of their staff already.
Just saw a cop give four blondes gas for their car on their way to Vegas. They seriously ran out of gas and called 911 about it. Its like a porno plot.
I decided they need a food cart that just roams around the library like the cotton candy people at the circus. But with real food. like tacos cause it sounds delicious.
He came for an unexpected visit and let's just say I shattered his illusion that girls don't watch porn
Can we please get on skype for like 20 seconds so i can show you my penis and the spiderman temporary tattoo that is right above it
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
Every time I burp I plan an escape route because I'm scared I'm gonna puke on grandma
dude me and this dog are gonna go bond oon the tramplene with stromboli... i think everyone is staring at me... being this high is SO stressful
.......do you have the salami in bed? I'm trying to make a sandwich.
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