I need a slap back to reality. Or at least a slap back to homosexuality
Just got kicked in the balls by a girl in tap shoes. Fuck EVERYTHING
You should probably just propose to him the old fashioned way: sleep with him and get pregnant.
i just jacked off to lindsey vonn, i feel so patriotic
USA! USA! USA!
Found: medium sized pair of mens pants tucked inside my purse w/ a dry cleaners coupon in left pocket. Call if you wish to claim the coupon
How do you feel about fucking me quick and then me leaving to go do arts and crafts?
My sister was not impressed when she got here. I was standing in the doorway in my underwear drinking a beer. At 2pm. On a Monday.
hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking if you had a pulse
Sounds like sex on a twister board.
An idea that is both hilarious and intriguing...
They took the TVs out of the gym and the mini-Mart only had 2% milk. 2015 wants me to be fat
I just wanted a bootycall and now somehow I'm at his parents playing dominoes. But they have tequila so it's cool
If body pillows had a built in vibrator attached I would literally never need a boyfriend again
Lady at the airport across from me just pulled a cat out of her bag. can't deal with this right now..
Just trying to show you I care.
Isn't it supposed to be "what would you like for dinner?" instead of "how do you take your blow?"
Hey, you're the one who asked me to mc to move in.
I fucked a 6 foot tall guy who has abs showing without even flexing... I am a wizard and I have magical powers.
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