This is the way my sobriety ends: Not with a bang, but with a whimper.
it's like his penis is God's way of saying "sorry about his face"
I just got a mental picture of us having sex in a trash can.
You know you drank too much last night when your mouthwash tastes like water
That's the saddest description of touching yourself I've heard since someone said "I was just lazily rubbing my clitoris while eating Cheetos alone"
All I want to do is get high and needlepoint. Fuck your judgement
Pizza rolls are incredible. They are like sex, except I have them sometimes
dude, where are you? this beer run has taken so long i read war and peace, took a nap, and shaved 3 times.
When he wakes up tomorrow with half shaved legs smelling like a preteens bathroom, I'm sure he will think he has had a great evening
It's been two dates and she just invited me to her aunts funeral. I can't even. Who the fuck does that? I need to drink I'm coming to get you in 5
I found myself looking up beard accounts while masturbating, I guess that's what it's come to.
Almost lost a vagina lip in the great shave of '16
Why would you get kicked out?
Well, an overweight man is currently not wearing a shirt. Or pants. And is getting in touch with his inner Chippendale. You can probably fill in the blanks.
She sent me a thank you card for not fucking her boyfriend...
I'm very disappointed that your kitten almost ate my weed cake...
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