by the end of the night i am guaranteed to have less of a face than Seal....
grilled cheese. we just shotgunned grilled cheese.
Heads up. We filled your kiddie pool with kool-aid and vodka. Things are about to get Out. Of. Hand. Quickly.
Thank you for the breast cancer awareness themed circle of death. Had it been any other time I would not have played topless.
He was all like, "I think ur the one that got away and I miss you." I replied, "I gave u a hand job once in your hot tub. No need to wax nostalgic about it."
AND I JUST GOT FUCKING DAUGHTER ZONED. NO. I'M DONE. I HATE BOYS. ASEXUALITY HERE I COME.
I am his drunk Jesus. I will love him from afar because he's my little lamb
Why do I think he'd like to keep my hair in a box?
My dad sent me a 10 ft beer bong and my mom sent me ideas for future careers. I'll let you guess who my favorite parent is. Also, come over tonight. and bring beers.
Um ... did I have a lizard on my shoulder last night at the bar?
Nothing warms my heart more than the sight of a naked hockey player in my bed.
the sex was good. her showing me pictures of her 4 year old daughter afterwards was not.
Drunk him got in a fight with his wife he literally bought a plane ticket and flew to Hawaii. He just called me and asked why I let it happen. From Hawaii hahaha.
Highlight your past hook-ups. You've been stabbed, shot at, run over, and chased down the road...no you can't bring new bar bitch over here!
Dude she has a friend!!!!
we decided to take the jello everclear shot at the party...didnt think it tasted any different....o dear god...the regret..
Randomize
