Her vagina felt like a horse was eating an apple out of my hand..
since when did accompanying a guy to a wedding mean that anal was required that night?
I really wanna talk..
if by talk you mean have nasty makeup sex involving marshmellow fluff.. I'm down
when i was ordering pizza, the guy muffled the phone but i could clearly hear him say "its that drunk bitch again"
And then you gave the bride a high five and said "Go forth and Consummate."
Thanks for putting the blue stuff in the toilet, it made me throwing up this morning more enjoyable.
This morning is cloudy with a high chance of vomiting all over the dentist. Stay tuned for further updates.
On another note, convinced a 9 year old my hickey was actually a zombie bite.
hey this is Madison. you gave me your number last night and asked me to remind you that you didn't fuck anyone. you okay?
"I wasn't planning on buying a chicken, but I bought it anyway." --some guy on the bus with a chicken
"Yeah, I only have nine toes." --that same guy
Are you coming to class or was the dick pic this morning your way of saying not today?
Sometimes I just want to serenade his penis with cheesy 80s songs.
Just walked in and got handed a drink. Good service
He made me chicken tenders and margaritas in preparation for me to take a pregnancy test at his place later tonight. Like...seriously.
You passed out in my backseat like a legitimate infant. A really drunk, really horny infant
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