Hey, It's Lauren. i wanted to talk to you tonight. I like you, as you know because kyle told you. I was wondering if you liked me too?
Are you in the third fucking grade? Check yes or no.
The guy I fucked in the port a poty just called me and asked me on a date!
Awkward!
No he was cute and I said yes!
My husband just tried to seduce me by saying we can do it doggystyle so you can watch tv
We will have to go big on the 4th! Nothing says independence like the impending doom of an ankle monitor
Serious question: Should I volunteer to get tazered? My instincts say no but my wild side says yes.
His voice is like having sex with hot chocolate and then suddenly you're pregnant.
Sorry bro I thought you were kidding. If I'm actually jerking off I usually said "Just a sec getting dressed" or something
I'm having a martini with dinner. A new level of class.
I'm stoned and eating mustard, also a new level of class.
I just walked through the door and she ran up to me, hugged me, unzipped my pants and immediately started sucking my dick. Good day.
Worst. Date. Ever. He peeled a layer of bread off his mini burger buns because they had "too many carbs".
I still don't understand if he's using me to write his resume or if we're dating
she's p upset bro
Where is he. I have a sword.
I think I pulled a boob muscle during phone sex
Dude, you were so drunk you were hanging from the ceiling of my car pretending you were a sloth while we were on 81.
At least get laid and waffle fries out of it you whipped basterd
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