Santa Clause just drove by me on a fire truck. Epic night begins.
In my 8 am class there was a pack of birth control on the board with a note saying, "Some dude somewhere is unhappy."
Google Chrome's "top 8 most visited sites" page has become my motivation to stop masturbating
When i tried to give you something that wasn't tequila...like water....you kept saying it was against your religion.
I've always been the spiritual type.
Her little brother walked in right as I was finishing and was like "uhhh hey there's a lunar eclipse outside"
i'll just tell him I slept with them both because we needed to compare notes
I can't find my underwear or one of my shoes but he baked me cookies for breakfast.
If you do that, i will make all sorts of uncomfortable comments about my nipples being soft
I sobered up and saw I was with the fat one and you had left laughing with the hot one. You're a terrible wingman, but an excellent manipulator
when you're a senior and the freshman guy you wake up next to asks who you are, you DO NOT give him your real name.
Can you not touch my dick while I'm holding a gecko?
You told him about your cats? I told his friend to put his dick in my mouth, and you talked about cats!?
You're seeing with your vagina, not your eyes.
Block me from your phone tonight…I need to get laid tonight. But you've been being a douchebag. So not by you. But I might call you. So block me.
WHY WOULD I COCK BLOCK MYSELF???
you should just get a floor plan of your dorm and start checking off rooms.
Randomize
