I'm not unpopping my collar. This shirt is too expensive to crease.
Come to the Burger King. We're waiting for you.
just checked my call log and realized that we talked for 3 mns. what did i say for that long?
pretty standard. you have fun last night?
apparently....what exactly does 'pretty standard' mean?
typical hot then cold, followed by a death threat.
I just lost $50 at the races, got drunk, and woke up to my ex-gf. Apparently the good decisions kept on rolling...
Am I a whore if I make out with a boy just so michelle can't?
sex in a ball pit. and I thought ghandi did great things.
Have $25 to my name but it's $2 pitchers. I have no choice but to go.
I haven't gone out since the baby was born. If I don't get arrested, in a fight, or both I'm going to be super pissed.
I JUST DEFLATED MY BOOB.
I DON'T KNOW WHETHER TO LAUGH OR CALL AN AMBULANCE.
I just want to have sex and eat oreos. and then take body shots. like everyday.
Please don't pee your pants in the cab. One more time, and im pretty sure the cab companies will refuse to pick you up anymore
Your level of morning after guilt is too much right now. Do less.
that game of battleshots got way too fucking intense. why does the couch have burn marks now.
Can't really tell your Mom you are moody due to dick deprivation.
Tell me I'm drunk and you have to come get me. It's usually true. They'll believe you.
Randomize
