went to the gyno and found out that i have a birthmark on my clit. its like god gave guys a little help when it comes to getting me off.
picked up a girl by parallel parking. i love this town already.
she has a picture of her daughter riding a giant rooster.. of course i want to make obscene cock jokes
well if I unknowingly shoved my hand up someones ass, I'm glad it was yours
andd if someone unknowingly shoved their hand up my ass without me knowing, im glad it was you
Apparently she ran into the Emergency Room declaring "ROOM, PLEASE" as if she were checking herself into Holiday Inn.
It got messy; I did a shot of seamonkeys.
He let him chew on his fu man chew. The man has the patience of a saint
I threw up in the darkest corner of the bar last night, then watched 2 girls freak out in disgust after walking through it. I then realised I puked on the dancefloor, took a picture and proceeded to send it to my mom.
Just caught myself trying to make grilled cheese with the stove off. I think my dad knows I'm high.
He's interpretive dancing to Crazy by Britney Spears and expressing his feelings for either me or the guy next to us
I would give a kidney to fuck him and he knows it. That bastard.
Welp, I'm allergic to codeine. Found that one out the hard way.
Dude, naked camping ALWAYS takes precedence. I would skip my own funeral to go naked camping.
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
I just read my D.A.R.E. essay from 5th grade. I'm having mixed feelings about my previous life choices right now.
Randomize
