Its what jesus would do if there were bud light in his time. I feel obligated.
You act like this is the first time I literally thought I was invisible.
Trying to figure out which chair my head was under last night
When the shrooms kicked in we both simultaneously realized we were not the right puzzle piece for the dubstep puzzle.
We made eye contact and were like we are not welcome here, the ravers are onto us and we need to get the fuck out before we get shuffled upon
I peed on his girlfriend's loofah during our post-sex shower.
So hung over, I told one of the candidates she's hired if we can turn the lights off and take a nap instead of doing her interview. I feel like she has potential.
Finally washing the shoe scuff marks off my front windshield :( bye bye memories
I feel like a Europe failure cause I'm coming home from the club at 3:30 and so many people are just arriving... Wtf? 3:30am People! Drink earlier!
It's a Tuesday.
when you come home i just want to let you know we are cats now. and we are out of eggs.
Blacking out is all I've done this year and we're only 3 days in. Checkmate bitch.
I'd do them all but honestly I'm so high that I probably should have a chaperone.
Is it completely inappropriate to base my morning after pill purchase on if they sell coffee or not?
Do you remember telling the Uber driver that "his cologne makes you want to bone"?
Well I got black out drunk before the rehearsal dinner and berated my family with insults. But other then that it was a good time
I just found three upside down bottles of grapejuice in a triangle around the air freshener above my toilet... I guess it was one of those nights
Randomize
